A lot has changed since the last time I posted here.
Yet very little in my mind has actually changed.

I've been seeing a young man since August, and I finally told him recently about how very depressed I am. It's amazing how little one knows about the people one is close to. He wasn't precisely shocked, but he did claim to be frightened when I listed for him some of the plans that Thanatophilus keeps. It occurred to me that I should record that list- if only to show myself that it's not limitless. Sometimes it feels limitless, as if death is all around me, just waiting to be courted.

I could overdose- there are lots of pills in my house, and I've made it my business to know the fatal doses of several. I'm still researching interactions, when I really feel down.

I could get in my car and drive into or off of something.

I could take a trip somewhere, maybe a city, and simply lose myself. Women never last long as homeless people, and the current temperatures in my part of the country mean that I'd probably go in my sleep.

There are some handy low beams in my basement, and some lovely trees in this neighborhood. I have rope.

I could just step outside at night and take a very long nap.

I can't think of any more right now, but really, do I need more?
It occurs to me that I doubt I'd ever actually carry one of these out. They're more there to... threaten? discipline? soothe?... I don't know. I guess you could compare my suicidal thoughts to someone who cuts himself. I think about it when the feelings inside of me need some kind of outlet. It's almost a release to imagine myself dangling heavily from a branch, to know that I could end myself that quickly, if I really wanted to.

I really don't know what to make  of myself, but I welcome feedback if you feel like giving it.