Permission

Do you know what Thanatophilus wants more than anything? Permission. He wants one person to say that they/the world would be fine/better if I committed suicide. He knows that other people's need/love for me is my best excuse- and if he could get just one person that I care about to say that suicide is a perfectly good option, he could convince me to do it. The closest he's come, in fact, was in the aftermath of a breakup that still weighing heavy on my mind.
He even, sometimes, tries to convince me that if these people really loved me, they'd give me the permission he wants. Twisted, isn't it?

So why don't I actually seek this permission?
First, it's embarrassing. Can you imagine going up to your best friend and asking them to tell you it's ok to kill yourself? This becomes more of a problem because of how my family has tarred me with the epithet "dramatic"- there's no chance they'll take me seriously, I'll just invite more harassment.
Second, I'm afraid I'll get it. Yes, I know how weird that sounds. No, on a rational level, I don't think anyone's going to actually give me permission. But suppose they do? Imagine they're having a bad day, and I ask at just the wrong moment. Then what? If I don't do it, I'm just being dramatic again. More scorn.

I spent a large chunk of today remembering. Remembering his hand in mine, his eyes, shining with what I thought was love. And remembering that moment where he compared me to the abusive, schizophrenic woman he married. That's what I got for a year of my life, a year of my devotion. I was told it wasn't enough, I expected too much, and he needed to be with the woman who moved into his house and stole his entire attention from me. The same woman who cheated on her husband (letting him know and ignoring the fact that he refused permission is still a cheat), and then divorced him. The same woman who insisted that this was going to work, and worked as hard as she could to push me away.
I don't know what else I could have given him, what else I could have done. All I know is that my best wasn't good enough for him.

And for a time, I felt that was almost permission.